I've lost a big part of the person I used to be. I used to be confident, outgoing, fun, and happy. I'd like to think that I'm still a lot of those things, but much of who I was has been broken down. I had to put a smile on my face for the world so that they wouldn't know about my ex's pornography addiction. I had to hide my tears and cry into my pillow, because I could not have a friend's shoulder to cry on, in fear of having someone know about it. I had to question my marriage numerous times throughout the three years we were together. I worried every time there was a commercial or a movie with a beautiful woman dressed slightly inappropriately. I feared every time my ex got on to the computer. I had to receive messages from other girls telling me my ex was trying to talk to flirt with them. I had to hear my ex tell me he was being kicked out of school for meeting with a girl on campus and kissing her WHILE we were married. I couldn't go to certain places like beaches, lakes, Vegas, or anywhere else someone might be underdressed without worrying that my ex was longing for them. I had to go through a two-year program for people dealing with sexual addictions, when I wasn't the one with the problem. And now I'm $2,500 in debt because of it.
Some people wonder why I stayed with him for so long. My response is that I not only made a covenant with him when I went through the temple, I also made a covenant with God and I wasn't just going to give up on it so easily. I stayed and I worked at it until there was nothing left in me. After three years, I had been emotionally broken down so much that there wasn't anything left for me to give; I had to leave. I left the marriage knowing that I did all that I could possibly do as a wife, but my ex chose his addiction over his marriage.
Now that I have moved on, I don't feel like I should have to keep my ex's problems a secret. Now, I don't think I need to go parading his problems around either, but I feel like others can learn from my story. I feel like I've become an advocate for the cause against pornography. I represent a growing number of women who are suffering because of decisions that their husbands have made.
I am now working for the company that offers the addiction-recovery program, LifeSTAR that my ex and I went through. I learned so much about addictions and how common they are. I've learned that we cannot predict it, but we should do all that we can to keep it out of our lives. I want to help other women who are going through what I went through. I also want to educate women about the signs of pornography, and what to do to avoid the turmoil I was put throughout those three years.
Unless you've been through a situation similar to mine, you couldn't possibly imagine or be able to comprehend the hurt I went through. Therefore, you have no room to judge me and what I decide to vocalize about it. I'm tired of having to hide my feelings about it; I did it for three years. I won't do it anymore. I will not let it control me anymore. If you don't like it.. tough!
